[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
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My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”