Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

That’s amazing.

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

you’re so productive for your wage

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

ew if literal: let me be clear

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”