Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
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I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
put ‘er there pardner!
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.