Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
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FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.