Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
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Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
