Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

starting a garage orchestra

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*