Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.