Husband’s Last Words
I should start inviting people over more often so that the house can stay this clean!
[hand reaches out]
“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
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[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Me: So I went to lunch.
CW: It’s gonna get cold!
Me: You’re gonna die.
CW: Excuse me?
Me: Sorry, I thought we were pointing out the obvious.
Then Satan said, “Let’s convince everyone they need to go gluten free.” And that kids, was the Christmas fiasco of 2015.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I pretend I’m on the phone when entering a barbershop & say “I stabbed him only cause I hate small talk ” so he doesn’t try to talk to me.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
People keep escaping from maximum security jails and I can’t even manage to leave 5 minutes early from work.