[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
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I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
August 8
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix