Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

This meeting could have been a cake

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair