Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

🤣🤣

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

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Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”