Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.

Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.