Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

Literally! 🤣 #dogs