Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing