Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store

Price: $7.04

“No way”

Price: $6.94

“Now we’re talking”

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

Me: Can I have some of your candy?

3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: Deal.

Wife: NO!

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool