Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now