Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”

me:

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

you’re so productive for your wage

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock