Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!

#LaborDay

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.