Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
You Might Also Like
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Growing up was a huge mistake
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
real
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
normalize having existential bread
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.