Cardio? Is that in Spain?
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3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Friendship with me is challenging because I am hiding somewhere in your house and you have 15 minutes to find me
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july