Cardio? Is that in Spain?
You Might Also Like
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Is fructose made with real fruct?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
This is hilarious….
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.