Care for your back
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*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Who needs an Air Fryer?
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside