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I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
sensitive skin
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer