Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet

Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

Me: I lost twelve followers today.

Wife: On Twitter?

Me: In the woods.

Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

[in a club]

ME: have you seen my moves?

HER: no

ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh