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@mjkspeaks

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

@Piecezilla

The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.

@gintastic_

A year ago today, I started my job as a stay at home alcoholic.

@Sarcasmo718

I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.

@ibid78

I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

@TEXASVETERAN

Co-worker: Why did you hit me with your chair?!

Me: Because my desk is too heavy.

@DVSblast

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

@AdriannaLaCervx

I squish my belly fat around during serious conversations because I have intimacy issues.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too