I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
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The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.
A year ago today, I started my job as a stay at home alcoholic.
I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.
I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Co-worker: Why did you hit me with your chair?!
Me: Because my desk is too heavy.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I squish my belly fat around during serious conversations because I have intimacy issues.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too