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I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.


The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.


A year ago today, I started my job as a stay at home alcoholic.


I’d love to see Jason Statham’s face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.


I put my pants on just like everyone else. With the help of my twelve most trusted cats.


I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.


Co-worker: Why did you hit me with your chair?!

Me: Because my desk is too heavy.


Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham


I squish my belly fat around during serious conversations because I have intimacy issues.


Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much

Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-

Me: oh I would die for myself too