the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
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My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE