Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

Feel. He’s so soft.

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?