Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

The Purge: Valentine’s Day

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

my new hobby

creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people

– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

[Mom’s house]

Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces

Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.