[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
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I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Thursday
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.