Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

A family that plays together cheats.

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.

Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”