career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
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If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”