career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
You Might Also Like
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
When they try to steal your moment.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
