Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

The answer is funnier than the question

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?