Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA:

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.