Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
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Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
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.
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Biden: Okay.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down