Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

[group therapy]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr

Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.

Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on