Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
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“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
🤭😂
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!