Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
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i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
me: you were supposed to draw me one shape and divide it into equal shares….I see 5 cookies and…what are these?
student: dragons
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Bear knowledge
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake: