Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

H: where did you move after your divorce?

Me: On.
I moved on.

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.