Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

Me: I’m having unusual urges!

Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.

Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

*Steve Carell washes hands*

*Steve Purell*

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

What kind of a cult is this?

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?

me: yeah, I’ve seen it

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.