Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
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I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Family Celebrity
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.