Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
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6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
What the dentist sees
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Happy Caturday!
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
$4 #usedbooks
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.