Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
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Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
hmm conte-me mais
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat