Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
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o shit
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair