Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
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[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
LMAO.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.