Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.

Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.