Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

🤔😂😂

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday