“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
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me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Twitter is an abusement park.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO