Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

Sometimes? I’m slipping

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.