Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
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Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow