Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
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I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
😎 🍻
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]