Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.