Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
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You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this