Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
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Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Ummm 😳
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Did…did a minotaur write this
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Here to help
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull