Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
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wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.