Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
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losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I don’t get marriage
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
paddle faster i hear baby shark
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I’m confused about plants