*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
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I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series