Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

My last name is Zilla.

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?