CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
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“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I don’t get marriage
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”