Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

No one:

London landlords:

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

serving silly goose instead of turkey

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!