Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
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When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Some people were born into their job.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Noah
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today