Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
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tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’