Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
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[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Me in tagged photos
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree