Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises