Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.