Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
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me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
*pronounces surface like Versace*
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
wtf is an acronym