Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

I didn’t know they can drive…

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.

Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.

God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.

Butterfly: please?

God: I can’t do it.

Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.

Butterfly: ok fine : (

Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock