Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
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Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”