Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

This cat wants you to take your pills

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

picking up knife:

picking up knife in movie: *SHING*

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.