Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!